Sullivan's in Swazi [part 1]

{Where it all began}

The beginning of this year, January 2015, Austin and I were at church on what seemed to be a pretty normal Sunday morning, or so we thought. At the end of a service our pastor gave a call, a challenge, a cry to send out missionaries to reach the lost and hurting, bringing the hope of Jesus all around the world. After he closed his message we had a chance to respond to the call by standing, ready to take the next step in that calling, whatever that may look like. My heart was racing, I knew the Lord was telling me to stand, yet I had no idea what the details looked like or what I was even really signing up for! But as I sat and listened to the pastor pray I knew standing was my only option. I then saw what seemed to be a picture of Haiti playing through my head, lots of laughing, joyful children hanging all over me as it seemed I was taking a video of all of us. Then I heard the Lord spoke to me, reassuring me that He will take care of all of the details, including what my husband would think if I stood and he didn’t. So, with that, I began to stand, ready to answer the call, yet so unsure of what that meant or looked like. I looked to my right and there was my husband, simultaneously standing too. Tears instantly began streaming down my cheeks. The pastor was praying over us and although I could not tell you what he prayed that morning, I know that God was whispering to the deepest parts of my soul, placing a passion and desire in me only He could, but He was also tying them to Austin’s passions and desires as well. As soon as he finished praying and dismissed the congregation, Austin and I looked at each other and he said, “We need to go get prayer for this.” I agreed. We walked to the front of the church were the prayer team was ready to listen, embrace us and pray for us. There were so many questions yet to be answered, yet peace overflowing in both of us as they prayed. Later, I found out that while the pastor was praying, the Lord was laying the country of Swaziland on Austin’s heart. As soon as Austin said that, the picture I had earlier came back to my mind (as it seemed I had already forgotten it) and I realized that the children it were not Haitian, they all had barely any hair and their skin was much darker…they were African. Our next step then was to begin praying/preparing our hearts to go on the December Swaziland mission trip if that was where God led us.

Fast-forward…here we are today! The time has come for us to begin to walk, after months and months of prayer, and we are excited!

Yes, you heard me correctly! This December 3-12, 2015 Austin and I will be venturing to Swaziland with our church, River Valley. Our team is filled to the brim with 36 people going! (WOO-HOO!)

Where is Swaziland you ask?

Let me show you…

Now, let me tell you more about this amazing country…

Swaziland, a small, landlocked monarchy in southern Africa, is known for its wilderness reserves and festivals showcasing traditional Swazi culture. Marking its northeastern border with Mozambique and stretching down to South Africa, the Lebombo Mountains serve as a dramatic backdrop for Mlawula Nature Reserve’s many hiking trails. Nearby Hlane Royal National Park is home to diverse wildlife including lions, hippos and elephants. [Wiki]

At no more than 200 kilometres (120 mi) north to south and 130 kilometres (81 mi) east to west, Swaziland is one of the smallest countries in Africa. Despite its size, however, its climate and topography is diverse, ranging from a cool and mountainous highveld to a hot and dry lowveld. The population is primarily ethnic Swaziswhose language is siSwati. The population of Swaziland is 1.25 million (2013) and the life expectancy is 48.85 years (2012). [Wiki]

During our time there, our team will be focusing the majority of the time on staffing Swaziland’s largest Christmas party for 1,000s of orphans, helping the missionaries and church staff, as well as caring and aiding the children at the CarePoint (school and caring facility for poverty-stricken children) located at the River Valley Church campus in Swaziland. I know though that the Lord has much more in store for Austin and I with this trip, although I couldn’t type it out to you right now. It is truly going to be an amazing trip and the beginning of a spectacular journey with God as a family. I cannot wait to share it all with you.

There is so much to this trip, physically, mentally and spiritually. We would greatly appreciate your prayers for us now as we prepare to go, as well as when we are there. Would you please consider praying for us regularly? If you’d like a prayer card, please text or email me and I will send you one.

With all this being said, of course there we are also in middle of fundraising for the trip. Our first payment of $2,200 (both) is almost reached! Praise God! Now on October 5 our next payment of $2,200 ($1,100 each) is due. We know that the Lord will provide and are adjusting our budget to make the necessary sacrifices as well. If you would like to give and support us financially as we answer this call of God, you can send tax-deductible gifts to River Valley Church (address below). Checks need to written out to “River Valley Church” and you write 2015 Dec. Swaziland in the memo line as well write our names on the envelope or another enclosed piece of paper (please don’t put our names on the check, otherwise it is not tax-deductible).

River Valley Church

14898 Energy Way

Apple Valley, MN 55124

Online contributions can also be made by visiting https://my.rivervalley.org/default.aspx?page=6721&mission=130 and selecting Austin or Katelyn Sullivan.

{ALSO!! Keep your eyes and ears open for me introducing other fun and potentially tasty ways to support us financially too!}

We are so grateful for those who have already supported us and are continuing too! We could not do this without God using you, so thank you from the deepest part of our hearts to you. May the Lord bless you as you partner with those He is calling to directly go.

I will leave you with these verses from Isaiah and my closing thoughts as out part one of the Sullivan’s in Swazi comes to the end…

“And if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness, and your gloom will become like midday. And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.” Isaiah 58:10-11

We will see God do great things in Swaziland when were are there, things as promised from these verses to us as we give ourselves to the hungry and afflicted…this is my prayer and it reassures my soul when the journey begins to look rough and challenging. It brings me hope. This is also true for each of us in our every day, right now. It is all about what we choose to every day- either God’s agenda or our own. These promises from the Lord are not just for those who are traveling to a foreign country, this is for you and me today if we are willing to give ourselves to those hurting, broken, hungry, in rough spots and situations, meeting their needs and desires. This means we have to look past our own self and see as Jesus would if He were here in the flesh. We have to let Him through us. Then we receive this promise the Lord spoke. A promise of hope, desires met in times when they seem most likely to not be met, strength when we feel so weak we cannot carry on, and refreshment in profound ways that satisfy your innermost soul. This is God’s challenge to me and to you today. Will you expect it and conquer it, reaping it’s amazing, generous reward from our Lord and Savior?

Be Divergent

Divergent :  [ diˈvərjənt, dī- ] : Adjective

Tending to be different or develop in different directions

This has been burning inside of me the past few weeks [after watching Insurgent, the sequel to movie Divergent]. If you haven’t seen the movies (or read the books if that fits your fancy) you may want to watch them before reading this blog, as I may spoil a few things while trying to draw connections to our lives today [sorry]. If you don’t care or have seen the movies, it is my prayer that this is an encouragement to you as you live as a alien on this Earth, awaiting  your true citizenship in Heaven. (And no, not everything from the movies can be directly correlated to our walk with the Lord, but some truly can).

Summary of two movies [skip if you have seen the movies, read the books or just want to get to the meat of this post]

Here is the jist of the first movie Divergent:

In a world divided by factions based on virtues, Beatrice Prior (Tris) learns she's Divergent and won't fit in. When she discovers a plot to destroy Divergents, Tris and the mysterious Four must find out what makes Divergents dangerous before it's too late. (IMBd)

Tris is a normal girl who wishes to fit in and follow the “laws” put in place by the society around her, but after being tested to see which faction she should fit in, she doesn’t fail the tests, she passes them all. (This test is done to also find divergents so they can be eliminated because society states they are a threat to the order of the society). She is divergent. Throughout the movie as Tris realizes the weight of her “calling” or who she truly is, the fact that she is divergent, she faces many trials and tests. She wants to try to avoid it, try to pretend its not there, but it is inevitable that no matter what she does, she is different. She stands out and she is being hunted down for it, along with all others who are different as well. So, she has to learn how to stay alive and save thousands who are in danger.

Here is the jist of the second movie Insurgent:

Beatrice Prior must confront her inner demons and continue her fight against a powerful alliance which threatens to tear her society apart with the help from others on her side. (IMBd)

Tris and all of the divergents are in hiding because society has not only been trying to quietly eliminate them because they say they are threat to all civilization, but they are being hunted down to be terminated once and for all. However, Jeanine Matthews, the leader of the faction Erudites (the smarty pants group) wants to gain complete control of every faction thus being able to influence any as she pleases. She is motivated to do this because she knows the truth about the factions and doesn’t want to go back to the rest of the world, but rather stay in the factions with Erudite in control so that they would never leave the city (Hence, trying to take out the divergents who will change it all!)  In the beginning of the movie, a box is found,. It is a mysterious artifact that was hidden by Tris’ parents. They don’t know what it inside and Jeanine (evil lady) wants to open it because she believes it is the answer to destroying all divergents. But *GASP* only a Divergent with potential for all five factions can open the box, not another with potential for only a few of the factions. In the end, Tris has to fight through all five factions, completing them all, confronting her inner demons as the description says. In the end, there is a message inside stating explaining that the whole faction system is an experiment and that Divergents are the solution (not the problem) to the problems outside the fence (which is surrounding their “world”).  So, after this, everyone is able to return to the rest of the world.

[Resume here if you skipped the summary above!]
So… what does this have to do with being a child of God? This is what has been burning on my heart and the Lord spoke to me, encouraging my heart along this journey.
The Divergents were being persecuted, blamed, hunted down and attacked. Society was labeling them as the root cause of all their problems, because they broke all the “peace” and disturbed “their world”. They stood out and had a much different purpose and outlook of life from everyone else. They weren’t affected by the same things everyone else was and although they hadn’t seen that there anything outside those walls surrounding them, they felt it and had faith that there had to be more.
What about Christians today? What is our world saying about us? How much do we stand out and are blamed from the problems in this world because we are judgmental when really we are just speaking the truth? In the end, the Divergents were actually the exact opposite of what everyone told them they were…they were the solution! We as Christians, Christ followers, have the solution, know the solution…Jesus Christ. With that, we are Divergent to the society around us. People want to keep us quite, tell us we are problem and need just need to have tolerance. We are attacked for what we believe and even more if we try to speak or live it out.  The enemy has this world deceived and they want to shush us, push us down and eliminate us, nothing to disrupt “peace”. 
Then God spoke this to me: “Be Divergent. Don’t be ashamed of it, but speak out for the truth (Jesus). Do not conform to the patterns of this world. You have the victory of Jesus already, always with you-walk in that and set captives free.”

I wholeheartedly believe that our God did not give me this charge to hurt His creation or to shame them for acting foolishly out of being deceived. No, just as Tris and the other Divergents in the movie had a heart of love to save those around them who were being deceived as they embraced their divergency [yep, I just made up a word]… I know that this is God’s heart and so mine too. Many people in the Bible were divergents (Moses, Daniel, Paul, Peter, Jesus himself…just to name a few). But in Daniel 3:8-18 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego are great examples of being divergent. They don’t conform to the patterns of the world by bowing down to worship the idol, even though they know it could mean dying a brutal death by being thrown into the fiery furnace. I can just picture it like a movie scene, thousands are bowing and there are these three (who all have high rankings in the kingdom might I add) just standing, looking straight forward at the idol not about to budge, their faces firm with boldness to honor God above all else. Wow! And because of their divergency they were thrown into the fire, but they were saved by God! And from that many were saved (shown who the true God worthy of worship is) and the name of the Lord was glorified.


Push through the fear of being Divergent, look to the Lord and be strengthened. It is worth it to grab a hold of your calling as a child of God, being Divergent in this world.  You are not alone, there are many other Divergents here, standing with you in faith that there is something more “outside the wall”, carrying out our mission to share the hope we have in Jesus and living by His ways not this worlds. Share the solution despite the hardship to, Jesus did and He is our greatest Divergent example of all. 

The Beauty of Disappointment

Disappointment is usually accompanied by a great deal of fear by so many. This fear of disappointment traps us and makes us believe all hope is gone, leaving us joyless and depressed about many things. After that the door is open for doubt to not only come in, but move in and plant it’s ugly butt right in our minds soon to move further down into our hearts. The “what ifs” haunt us as we try to determine what we are supposed to do and have so many opportunities to fail, being disappointed time and time again. And so the cycle continues.

So, let’s play the “What If” game then, but this time let’s look at it from a different perspective and break the cycle!

What if God could really do great things, great things in you?

What if He truly wanted good for you?

God does not break His promises, ever. He has proven Himself time and time again in the Bible and testimonies from today, this day and age. But what if God’s promises are true for them, but not you, you ask? THAT’S NOT TRUE because that then and there for means God has favorites which breaks who He is which then demeans His power and promises in the same people you just admitted you see His faithfulness. It is twisted, I know. That is the enemy’s plan, and I am here to show you the truth. These truths God has been walking me through. It has been painful, I will not lie. However, the truths God has revealed to me are worth more than the pain of the trials. To me, they are worth more than gold.

{“For God does not show favoritism.” Romans 2:11}

Well, now that that is settled, it’s time to move on! The promises are true for YOU and me. For so long this has taken me forever to move from my head, knowing it, to my heart, of actually believing it. Then God threw this verse at me…BAM!

{“For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11}

This verse has so much truth and promises packed in it…

1. God is your sun- He will give you warmth and the things you need to grow and be productive. It doesn’t say He is a cloud that sucks away your warmth, stopping you from growing and getting the “nutrients” you need to grow.
2. God is your shield- He will keep you from harm (Jeremiah 29:11)
3. He GIVES you grace-The Creator of everything on this planet wants to GIVE US GRACE!? Grace to get through the disappointments as at times it is hard to remain calm and trust Him. He has grace for me in those moments when I lose it, not trusting Him/flip out but then come back to Him…He gives me grace. WOW!
4. He gives glory- GLORY? Seriously! What a good God He is. He wants to give His children honor, not glory and splendor like this world has to offer.
5. No good thing does He withhold-This is such a beautiful promise that we can hold onto because it’s true. He just won’t, He can’t. He is a good Father who gives His children good things, not withholding them from them to watch them squirm. But how many of us know that parent’s know that sometimes when a child wants something they think is “good” it is really not so the parent does not give it to them. This isn’t out of hatred, but is actually out of their great love for this child.
6. From those who walk uprightly- It doesn’t matter what circumstances are thrown at us or how we are feeling…we walk uprightly in the ways of the LORD because not only is our reward going to be great, it is our expression of gratitude to a great God who watches over us, protects us, gives us grace and glory, and does not withhold ANYTHING good from us!

Here is where you can find the beauty in the disappointment. You can find hope in the disappointment. Sure, fear can be strong and jump out at you first, BUT hope is stronger than fear and is the only thing stronger than it. Jesus is stronger, He brings us our hope!

{The only thing greater than the fear of disappointment is hope in Jesus’ loving promises.}

Here comes the question: What is that “good thing” you fear the disappointment of not getting?

Ask the Holy Spirit to come in and speak to your heart about it, right now. God does not want to hurt you. He does not want to inflict pain and sorrow on you, we just spoke truth to that lie and you are free of it! Maybe you think it’s good for you, but your Heavenly Father sees ahead and knows that it’s actually not good for you. Can you find the joy in that? He is protecting you and you can trust in Him. Maybe there are other people that need to be positioned sill or God is still preparing before you can have that “good thing”. Doesn’t it give you hope and joy that God is working on your behalf in them to bring it all together?

Sure, the pain disappointment is real. Believe me, I understand. I could go into how I understand, but I will spare you the flaky hors d’oeuvres and get right to the main course goodness of what I have learned. In times of disappointment we have the opportunity to feel the Spirit of our Living God in greater way, because light can be seen greater in the darkness than a lit up from. Yes, disappointment is awful and aren’t sought out, but we don’t have to fear them! We can even get excited when we see them coming because of the promises of our God. As we trust fully in that when we are forced into moments of disappointment due to circumstances, we experience His great presence followed by unexplainable peace and joy which you never thought would be possible. And it is oh so amazing to taste and see His goodness and love.

That is the beauty of disappointment, which then leads you to be able to carry on with joy that you have hope in a good future regardless of your disappointments you're feeling now! 

Not Undone

Isaiah 42:16
"I will lead the blind by a way they do not know, in paths they do not know I will guide them. I will make darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains. These are the things I will do, and I will not leave them undone."

Sometimes as we go about life we can start to feel like we are blind. We can't see what it is coming next or the darkness is so thick and the path so rough we can scarcely walk on it because our feet feel as though they are being torn bit by bit. This can take a large toll on us as we continue to walk this path...we begin to question God and His plan.

I want to share part of my story with you.

I have been on this path for sometime now and I know the challenges it can bring. I feel so blind at times I stop and just sit down. I don't move. I don't make any decisions. I don't like anyone. I am ungrateful and anxious, finding joy becomes more and more difficult. I am angry at God and I can get stuck in that stop, giving up on trying to get out. (Yep, I have been a Christian for 21 years and I struggle at times with being angry at God…I’m going to be real with you). From the time I was 5 I knew what I wanted to do with my life, be an elementary teacher. I spent 15 years chasing that dream and as I got older I knew God had gifted me with ability to not only teach, but He gave me a love for kids. I volunteered in children’s ministry, babysat a ton and even took teaching classes throughout high school. I was on my path and I could see for miles, nothing would take me off that path for years and years, but God loved me too much to let me keep walking down that path. He had better plan for me that would bring me much more joy than I ever thought possible. However that would require getting on a different path, His path, where I couldn’t see very far and it was much more bumpy and dark because it was untraveled ground for me.

Here I am now, I am not teaching in a school and I am okay with that, regardless of what everyone says (and I know I have disappointed many in this) because I am following where my Lord leads me. He satisfies my soul in ways I never thought possible. The joy I am experiencing is far greater than I ever imagined. I am working part time and volunteering at church with the teenagers (because God has revealed to me a deep passion to help teenagers and encourage them to be all that God has designed them to be). He has given me new passions and purpose. He has replaced my old self with a new creation in Him. He has led me and is still continuing to lead me, blind me, down this path because He is a good, good Father to me and He takes care of me. He didn’t put me on this path to hurt me, but to give me a bigger, brighter future and purpose in this life. Life is still far from perfect and I have lots to still learn, BUT with Him I know the light will shine in the darkness before me as I keep walking. I still don't really know or understand what is coming my way, please understand this...I am just trusting God. I am clinging to His promises for me and His great love for me. He has never failed me and He never will!
 

If you are in this spot with me, hear these words: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This promise from God in Isaiah is just as much for you as it is for me. I am no different than you. I have issues and mess out day in a day out, but there truly is a God who wants to show you how much He cares about you, turning the rugged places into plains and giving you joy on your journey with Him. It requires DAILY trust in Him and obedience even if everyone is telling you otherwise, but I can GUARANTEE you it is all worth it, Jesus is truly worth it all because never will He leave it undone. Never will He leave you alone and your path undone before you. He is the God who is our provider. He is the God who is perfect and good and never breaks His promises (and this scripture is a promise to you and I)! God is screaming this to you, He wants you see this truth clearly and it is no conscience that you are reading this now. The path may be hard to see, dark and rough, but...

He will show you where to go.
He will guide you.
He will bring light to the darkness.
He will turn the rugged places into plains.
He will not leave it undone.

I am sorry if this world or people in this world have let you down, but He never will, He is not human and He is completely perfect & He loves you, right now in all that you are right now even if you're a mess. Your mess is no different than mine, both our messes separate us from God and it is by Jesus' grace dying on the cross though He had nothing wrong and rising from the dead that has made a way for us to have hope!  

The Secret Ingredient

I don’t know who is reading this, what led you here to have this up on your screen. However, I believe that the Lord lays specific things on my heart or takes me through hard trials to share the hope of Jesus with everyone I can. I believe that Jesus came not only to make a way for us to be with God forever, but for us to experience Heaven here on this earth as we embrace Him and His promises.

So, here I am, not even going to pretend I don’t struggle. I can be a hot mess a lot of times, completely drowning in my stress and worry, so overwhelmed I lose all control. I coast through life at times in this numb state of mind because it is better to ignore than face life head on because the overwhelming pressure of no answers or too many hurting people or the pain of my own trails feel like a plastic bag on my head and when I start to deal with it all the bag seems to get tighter and I lose my breath and willpower to get the bag off. There are a lot of ups and downs, but through the grace of God I am learning day by day how to walk out of the stress, anxiety and fear, leaving it at His feet and walking in joy, peace and love.

So, if this is you or you can identify with any part of it and want to hear the truth the Lord has spoken to me, keep reading. I am not free from the struggle, but I am growing in the grace of the Lord and you have that same opportunity.

James 1:21 “Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.”

Yes, there are some strong words in this verse: filthiness and wickedness. I don’t really like to think of my anxiety and worry as filthiness and wickedness, but once I humble myself and see it for what it really is I realized that anxiety is not from God and it leads to immense stress, worry and even depression. That is the exact opposite of righteousness and with that I would classify that wickedness. Also, in all that anxiety and depression I am not feeling lifted and wonderful, I am feeling awful and ashamed, don’t want to talk about it or draw any attention to it, it’s filthy.

James also says in chapter 4, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” I am being prideful when I ignore my anxiety whether I am ignoring because I don’t want to face it or I believe that I can handle it and fix it. God, the Creator of everything can’t do anything in our lives or with us in other people’s lives if we are all about ourselves, even if it’s disguised as helping other people all for Him. He sees our hearts and if we are feeling drained constantly while giving to other people we need to stop and ask ourselves why are doing what we are doing.

How do we live in this world and not be affected by it?

H U M I L I T Y

This is the “secret” ingredient. Although it is not easy for many of us and our thoughts of what humility is are skewed. As the Lord opens my eyes up more and more to the power of humility and what it truly is I am blown away by the impacts it has not only on those I serve, but myself more. This is something we have to grow in, choose to learn and persevere through the lesson of.

As God brought this to my attention He spoke these words to me. As you read them it is my prayer that your eyes are open and your spirit rejuvenated because God wants you have more in this life, more than any money can buy. He wants to show you how to have true, lasting joy. He allows things to come to surface so that He can remove them from us, restoring us again.

{My child, when I give you grace, you can only really receive it when you see that you need it, when you’re not thinking about yourself or how you can accomplish something, but only when you are completely humble. Be careful to not disguise your pride with giving to other people. You will put others first when they have a need, yet you refuse to admit you need prayer and help? My child, this cannot be.}

Giving to others is not bad.

Helping others is not bad.

Understanding a situation and gathering details is not bad.

Loving people where they are is not bad.

But, why are we doing all these things? What is the point? Only when we humble ourselves and think of ourselves less and God more do we being to, like James said in the scripture, receive the word implanted in us. We begin to receive the truth of how much we are worth and then we can pour out more love on others. We receive the truth of our purpose on this plant, not to make money and have a good living, but to love others and share the hope of Jesus with them.

So, if you’re feeling stuck, down, depressed, lost, or any other negative emotion that is leading you down a bad path, I want to encourage you to stop and sit, literally sit down in the presence of your Father, He is with you right now. What do you need to admit to Him? You admit not for His sake, but for your own heart and mind. How do you need to humble yourself in the presence of the Lord today?

“Doubt of your own wisdom, and reliance on Mine (God’s) will teach you humility. Humility is not the belittling of the self. It is forgetting the self, more forgetting the self because you are remembering God.”

It’s not easy but it is possible because God gives grace to the humble.

It might be a fight some days to remain focused on God more than yourself, but it is worth it because instead of feeling overwhelmed you will feel the peace of God. 

Control is like cancer

For those of us who like to do things are way.
For those of us who feel like unless we do have control things will fall apart.
For those of us who like a nice plan to give us security and peace.

Yes, we all have struggled with this at some point in time, to some degree. We wrestle with the clock, wondering then how we will get it all done. We get stuck in our spiral of do, do, do and all of sudden we are neglecting or hurting things people around us just to get our things done, to accomplish, to have control.

Oh believe you me, I have been here, more times than I'd like to admit. I mean at first control is nice and psh, what's the harm? Plans are good, right? But like all things in this life, there has to be a balance and if you find yourself anxious or stressed because you feel like you "have" to do it your way or have that control of it all, this is for you today. Control is like cancer, if we don't catch it early on it grows and grows and consumes things it shouldn't, thus leading us into depression, anxiety and fear while we hurt our loved ones a long the way.

Let's look at 1 Samuel 12-13 (yep, it's not a sort scripture because we need the context of the story to better help us understand Saul.) Go ahead and read the 2 chapters, let the Holy Spirit speak to you, let Him highlight certain things He wants to point out to you.

To summarize:

Chapter 12 (background information!!!) is about Saul confirmed as king (I'd encourage you also to go back a few chapters and read about how God chose Saul. It is a great story! The Israelites wanted to be like all the other nations and wanted a King to rule over them. God just wasn't enough and they felt weird not having what everyone else had, sound familiar?).

Then chapter 13, the chapter about the war with the Philistines and Saul's rule as king begins. His rule begins with a huge challenge and test. Here he was facing his enemies who had almost 10x more men. {fear set in--that's a given, natural instinct} So many of the Israelites ran, hid...they were outnumbered! {more fear} Saul didn't run though, he stayed and some stayed with him, trembling. {even more fear} I can just imagine what was going through Saul's head...so many thoughts of how to do what was placed in front of him, how to be a good king and lead well. He had good intentions otherwise God wouldn't have chose him! BUT instead of remaining in faith and trust, verse 8- " Now he waited seven days, according to the appointed time set up by Samuel (the prophet), but Samuel did not come to Gilgal (where Saul was with his terrified few soldiers remaining with him). SO...then verse 9- "So Saul said, "Bring to me the burnt offering and the peace offering." Saul was trying to do what he thought had to be done. I can totally relate to him. He had good intentions with taking control, I mean people where freaking out and scared out of their minds, but God became an after thought to him and that is where the problem began. He then took control because his expectations were not met and he knew how he could accomplish what he thought he was supposed to do. His need to control he made a very foolish decision and his kingdom/anointing was taken from him (13:13-14).

Saul grew impatient.
Saul knew how he could control.
Saul thought he was doing right. (He was afraid that the prophet Samuel had maybe forgotten about him or wouldn't know what to do anyway!)
Saul was fearful and anxious.
Saul acted out of that fear not his faith in God.

That is it, Saul acted out of fear not his faith in God.

You see, sometimes we think we know best or if we have expectations and they are not met we know how they can be met and we take control, creating a bigger mess in the end. Our anointing from the Lord is not taken away {nothing can separate us from the love of God}, but anxiety and depression can set in. We can become consumed with situations and the negative. We lack faith, faith that God's timing is better than what we can expect and if it doesn't go as planned we need to trust God. (I am preaching to myself too folks!)

Think about the root of your need for control. What is it? Today God wants to show you what it is so that He can remove that burdensome cancer from your body. He does not intend us to live in this.

This is his word for you today:

"My child, you do not need to have control of everything. Allow your faith to rise up instead. yes, people are not perfect and will fail at times including you. I will not. I will be there watching over you. Control is like cancer growing in you every time  you have to know and fix and figure out what is going on, instead of just living as life as I give it to you, trusting in Me. I will provide, I will lead you because I created you and love you. Faith is the cure. Faith brings joy and hope, peace and love. Faith that even if you don't have control and things fall apart of don't go as you expected, that I have a better plan still and it is not the end. I am always with you to help you and fix the mess. Lay your need to have control before Me. Thank you for being loving and helpful. I created you to be a giver and helper my child, like Me. Let not your anxious thoughts and fears control you in this though, pushing you to control other and situations. Allow Me to show you where you need to let go and trust Me. I am here for you and I love you."

Faith is the cure. Take a deep breath. Lay it all down, Jesus wants to take it off your shoulders and replace it with joy and peace. It is possible!

Let Your Tears Water You

Over the past few weeks there has been so much struggle, so much pain, so much death, so much heartache all around me. I have seen numerous people mourn the loss of loved ones, some so young it hurts just that much more. As I have felt like the waves crashing over me again and again, even though I didn't know these individuals as close as the ones who are grieving, my intercessor's heart began to break. This morning as I sat on the chair in my living room and prayed I began to weep. How could I go on? How are those left behind in this world suppose to go on? What is God trying to speak to me through all of this and the burden He has placed on me? Afterall, I didn't ask for the gift of empathy or an intercessor's heart. I felt fear. I felt anger. I felt confusion. I felt defeated and lost.

As I was in the grief which seemed to be taking me deeper and deeper all of sudden I felt the tears running down my in such a vivid way and all I heard was "Let your tears water you".

What does this mean? Does this make it all go away so I feel no more pain or sorrow? Of course not, but I heard and felt God speak this to me this morning and then I felt compelled to share with you or whoever would read it. My prayer is that you are uplifted in the middle of whatever trail or sorrow you are experiencing because it is not God's heart for you to stay in the pain and sorrow, but that you let that heartache, loss, grief, struggle-let the tears that come from it all water you now because He wants to make you stronger and brave. His heart is to see His children rise above the struggles and pain of this world and fall more in love with Himself.

To do this we have to choose to pursue God even when we don't want to, whether that means we stop choosing the world or we lay down our pain at His feet and believe He is our comforter even when it just doesn't make sense in our human head.

The TRUTH is....

God does love you, right now even as you sit in your puddle of tears (1 John 4:18--His love drives out any fear)

God does know, Jesus walked through immense pain too (Luke 22:39-46--Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane before being captured & Hebrews 4:14-16-- we have a High Priest who understands.)

The LORD has compassion on you (Psalm 40:11 "You, O Lord, will not withhold your compassion from me; Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me.)

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18 "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and he delivers those whose spirit has been crushed.")

As I was hearing God speak this all to my weary heart this morning, a song came on, It is Well by Bethel Music. (The video can be found at the bottom of this blog if you'd like to listen to it.) The bridge sings:

So, let go, my soul
and trust in Him.
The wind and waves still know His name!

How can we do this? How can we just let go and trust in Him when the pain is so real and it seems like there is no way out? The chorus sings:

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You.
Through it all, through it all 
It is well.

It is possible to let your tears water you. Notice God didn't tell me to stop crying and push it down, He is saying this:

"Let your tears water you! Cry out to Me. I will make you stronger and I will lead you. Throw away anything that is not of me, fear, agony, pain, and any idols you have placed in between Me and you, any mindsets that are not of me, but of this world. Surrender it all before Me. You either allow these hard emotions of the pains of this world to take you to a place of deeper relation with Me-which then leads to more people coming to know Me OR you stay in the emotions, push them down, and allow them to rule your life, stealing your life as they do. The world and the things of this world will fade away. Keep this at the front of your mind as you keep going. But that is not where I want you to stay. Do not be afraid, do not fear, if you are tuned into My greater presence you will overcome! You have to remember who you are in Me and who I am for you on a consistent basis. These are not just things to make you feel good my child, this is the Truth."

Isaiah 30:18-26

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him. O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. 

Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. And you will defile your graven images overlaid with silver, and  your molten images plated with gold. You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, "Be gone!"

Then He will give you rain for the seed which you will sow in the ground, and bread from the yield of the ground, and it will be rich and plenteous; on that day your livestock will graze in a roomy pasture. Also the oxen and the donkeys which work the ground will eat salted fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork. On every lofty mountain and on every hill there will be streams of running water on the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. The light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the Lord binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted."

With the Lord, there is hope.
With the Lord, there is joy.
With the Lord, there is restoration.
With the Lord, there is strength.

With the Lord, this is all for now, right now in the middle of the pain and sorrow. It is there to lift you up and take you deeper with God because as your tears fall, guess what, they are watering you, watering your roots and sinking you deeper into Jesus and out of that will grow something even more beautiful!

Today is not Yesterday

My beloved Child breathing because of Me,

Today is not yesterday, it is completely new! Although you think you know what is going to happen, you really only have expectations and guesses. 

Right now however, you have the choice-surrender it to Me and place your expectations there OR hold onto the day yourself and do it all by yourself. 

You take yesterday and project it into today, but that is not how I operate. If you all Me to take control, you can see that although you may have some consequences today from yesterday, still, today I am making new-right now! I have already made this day new, every second I am creating it and it is new. I can also renew you too, making you new, if you come to me and trust in Me. The rest of this day has never been lived yet, by anyone. Each day I will give you  what you need. 

DWELL on who I am- not what you are not. 

May this encourage you today, whether you feel the weariness of the end of the week or not; whether you are on a mountian top or trucking through the valley feeling like you'll never measure up or make it. We who are in Christ, who call Him friend and Lord, we have hope. He is longing to make you new this very moment. Will you allow Him to? 

If you just aren't sure or want to talk to someone about it, please email me at kmsullivan1214@gmail.com. I would be happy to talk to you, whether you aren't sure if you believe in God or you do believe, but just need some encouragement! 

You are not alone and you are loved.
Happy NEW Year!